Today is not a Monday or the 1st day of a month or a day that holds any significance to me in any way at all. It’s a Tuesday morning in the middle of July. Right now it is rainy, muggy and pretty dark outside. I am sitting at my work desk with a shit load of things to do. But first…..
I have been contemplating starting up with this blog thing again for months. I had many start dates. Days that I would mark as the first day of something fresh or good or big or maybe just it was the new part that I wanted. They were days that held their own significance that, I felt, would be the perfect day for me to begin and/or become someone who blogs like a real blogger. Take the first day of spring, for example. New things bloom in spring. Flowers pop up all over the place, babies lambs are born and we finally see green again. The earth feels new all over. How poetic of me to emerge from the journal writing underground and “become” the blogger I say I want to be right along with the badass Mother Earth. Yet Spring came, mama earth did her thing, and I watched Bravo instead.
There was also the first day of summer, last day of school, the day I moved into my new place, my birthday, my daughter’s birthdays, a long list of made up diet Day 1’s that I put upon myself to take on, not to mention the ridiculous number of Sunday nights and Monday mornings which are our nationally recognized days of starting over. And alas…..the Housewives of God knows where or Instagram scrolling or staring at blank walls all won out over my intentions to write. Every damn time.
I just heard someone the other day answer the question, “How did you discipline yourself to write your book?” This author who I see as authentic and vulnerable and a freaking gift to anyone to takes the time to read her stuff answered….”It was my lifeline. I had no choice.”
And now it’s just a random Tuesday morning. Nothing poetic about it. And here I am. Taking hold of my lifeline.
I woke up a little cranky and a little achy. Just cause. I had coffee and toast for breakfast. My mom is visiting. She made homemade bread and I’ve been looking forward to that toast for over 24 hours now. Getting to talk to her a little before work felt like a treat. She helped me by throwing my shirt in the dryer to take out the wrinkles since I have yet to get an iron for my new place. Not sure when I will do that. This dryer thing is so much easier. I have never really liked ironing nor really cared all that much about wrinkles.
Then I peeked in at my middle daughter and my nephew, who is also visiting with my mom. They were still sleeping. Thank God. The two of them have been so ornery. Can’t figure out if it’s fateful hormones or the mind numbing effects of cell phones or just because they are dealing with some real crap and they are processing. At 13 it’s possible that processing comes out as bitchy eye rolling. Whatever it is, watching them sleep under the little girl quilts that I keep promising her I will replace with more subtle teen blankets, it is good. For a moment I ache for them. Sure they were draining as hell last night when we couldn’t escape the humid heat of summer and they were sweating “SOOOOOO much” while complaining loudly and arguing over what to watch on TV. But now, under those flowery covers, I want to scoop up any of those crap processing pieces of them and kiss those hormone filled heads and somehow make it all better. They are both the middle kid, a hard roll to hold. I decide today I will cut them a break. We’ll see what happens after the first eye roll.
I kiss my youngest goodbye. She is skipping summer camp today because of the rain. She loves that camp but today she is acting like she got a snow day. I squeeze her cheeks, kiss her head, and take a moment to soak up the hug that she still so freely gives me every morning.
Then I drop my oldest off at work before I head in myself. It’s her first summer job. She is liking it. And I am loving that.
I listen to my favorite playlist right now which consists of Pink and Florence and Adele. I sing a little, I zone out a little, I tear up a little because good songs always do that to me.
I pull into work and take a deep breath. This job is hard. It’s also beautiful. . I want to be here. I want to be doing this work. Yet there are moments where I just want to pull the covers over my head. Maybe its the cloudy vibes this morning, but today is one of those days.
For no big fancy reason I decided to take 20 mins this morning to…..begin.
So I am calling this the day 1. Of what? not really clear yet. I guess one random Tuesdayish in need of a lifeline kind of day after another, it will work itself out.