I stood at the bar with butterflies in my stomach. Well, let’s be real, they were more like pigeons awkwardly doing that back and forth thing with their heads while trying to find room to fly and crashing into each other. Before I could shut it down, the skin on my face was defying me once again by heating up and turning a fresh shade of pink.. As I tried to stand up straight and lay my hand nonchalantly on the bar, I was anything but casual. My body felt foreign. It was as if my legs were no longer mine but some loners I had picked up on the way over here. My hips were stiff in weird places, my back felt like it had not been awake or used in ages and my feet were bizarrely heavy. Whose body was this anyway? And why am I having to use it now?
Last time I stood at this bar I had a confidence that, although may have been young and shaky, was innocent. I wish I had been aware of it then but looking back now I can see that body as graceful, lean, able, and honestly beautiful. I stand there for a moment feeling the sting that this hind sight memory is bringing. Where was that body? When exactly did she leave me? How can I get her back? I needed her right about now. I am brought back to earth as I hear some other woman walking in the room. Of course, in my self-conscious state, the first thing I notice is there ease walking into this room. They are ready for what is to come and I am jealous.
This is crazy. Why did I ever think it was a good idea? I am so not ready for this. I need to send out a search party for that graceful, lean legged body I am remembering. But now I am in too deep. Walking out now would raise the awkward level to heights I was just not willing to go. All my positive ju ju was far gone at this moment. Must have dropped it off when I picked up this new stiff and aged body on my way over because the only thing running through my head at the moment is, “Dude, this is gonna suck.”
Then the music starts. My head and heart are still racing but…….
my body remembers.